and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
