Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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