cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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