I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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