end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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