Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
