Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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