I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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