i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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