i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
