margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
