Umm I'm too high to move.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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