He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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