dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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