I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we made out on top of his cat.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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