You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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