Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
