Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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