I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
