Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
