Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
