i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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