i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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