Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think your dad took our porno
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
