Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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