it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
