no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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