im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
