So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
