Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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