I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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