That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
