all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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