ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
