Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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