Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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