The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
pray to the hookup gods
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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