Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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