Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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