So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
