he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
