I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
