It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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