My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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