we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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