As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
