Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
