She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
