Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
