Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
