Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
