Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
